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Conflict can cause division. But conflict can also be a door that opens to deeper connection. When you think of your relationships (with co-workers, friends, family, neighbors, folks at church, spouse), how do you experience conflict with people? Some say they have constant, low-grade conflict that destroys relationships and leads to disconnection. For others, if conflict is aggressive, they experience multiple levels of damage. There are others who say they have very little conflict in relationships. However, if this is due to avoidance, avoidance of conflict can also create distance and a lack of closeness.
Let’s focus on a few skills crucial for healthy conflict resolution: seeking understanding, getting rid of the pointing finger, striving for empathy, and taking timeouts.
Seeking Understanding
“Though it cost all you have, get understanding” (Prov 4:7). We often confuse being understanding and validating someone’s view with being a doormat. Having clear boundaries is important in any relationship. An important caveat for this lesson: If conflict is making things unsafe for you, get support. It is also healthy in any relationship to know when to say “yes” and “no” (Matthew 5:37) and how to speak the truth (Ephesians 4:15). The scriptures advise, “Do not answer a fool according to his folly, or you will be like him yourself” (Proverbs 26:4) and “Rebuke your neighbor frankly” (Leviticus 19:17). When someone speaks in a way contrary to the Scriptures, God says to deal with this kind of opposition with the firmness and frankness. No doormats here.
So how about when someone comes to you bothered, hurt, or angry about something you have done? The Bible calls us to be humble and take correction (Proverbs 12:1). Proverbs 4:7 says it is expensive to understand someone. You may need to set your own self aside and consider the other person as better than yourself: “In humility, consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others” (Philippians 2:3-4).
When you strive to understand, to truly hear someone when they come to you, put yourself aside to hear them. When someone speaks to us, our minds begin racing:
Defend: “Excuse me!! You’re the one who . . .”
Explain: “That’s not what happened” or “I didn’t mean...”
Fix it: “OK, so how do you want me to say it?”
Apologize or reassure: “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean . . .”
These responses are normal but can get in the way. Your own hurt may also come up. It may be tempting to spend most of your time preparing your response while they are speaking. What do you do with all those thoughts whirling around? Do not ignore them or push them under the carpet. In fact, give those thoughts some room and honor them. Instead of blurting them out or shoving them down, I recommend putting them on a virtual shelf—one right in front of you. Set them up there for safekeeping. When you’re done focusing on the other person, coming to an understanding of what they are feeling, you are ready to look back on that shelf and see what is still up there to talk about.
Getting Rid of the Pointing Finger
“If you do away with the pointing finger... and spend yourselves on behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday. The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.” —Isaiah 58:9-11
A huge barrier in resolving conflict is the pointing finger. The pointing finger is the “yeah, but you” in a conflict. It is the blaming, the accusing, the attacking, and the assuming that permeates arguments. God says to get rid of it. Why? Because of the beautiful benefits God promises. Your light will shine. “You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail” (Isaiah 58:11). He will guide you and satisfy your needs. You will be able to walk on a well-lit path. When you decide to stop spending your energy on finger pointing, you will be more equipped to spend yourself on behalf of the hungry. And God will meet your needs as well.
Striving for Empathy
The goal of each of the skills above is empathy. Empathy is the glue that makes relationships satisfying. Look at the example God sets. “In all their distress, He too was distressed” (Isaiah 63:9). God is a God of compassion (2 Corinthians 1:3-4). He calls us to have compassion and empathy for others (Romans 12:5). That can be hard when the person who wants our empathy is upset with us! Yet this is God’s heart and his call to each of us. “He is kind to the wicked and the ungrateful” (Luke 6:35). Imitate Him.
Jesus is the ultimate example of genuine empathy. Read Luke 7:12-15. Jesus sees a funeral go by. The dead man is the son of a widow. When Jesus saw her, “His heart went out to her” (v.13). Splagchnizomai in Greek means movement in the gut. Jesus guts, his heart, went out to her. So how do we get there? In the research on empathy, looking at things through someone else’s eyes is called perspective-taking. Perspective-taking undergirds the ability to have empathy and resolve conflict. In order to have empathy, we do have to identify, understand, and feel our own emotions (another lesson) which gives a greater ability to step into someone else’s shoes.
Taking Timeouts
But what do you do right in the middle of the conflict when understanding and empathy are the furthest things from your mind and pointing finger is not backing down? When conflict gets heated, emotions and defenses can seem to take over our bodies? When someone approaches you in a conflictual way, your heart rate, perspiration, and respiration may increase. This is the body’s way of reacting to perceived danger, the fight/flight/freeze response. It becomes difficult to resolve conflict when our senses are heightened or shut down. If you notice a spike in your heart, breathing, or respiration rate, a tightening in your chest or your forehead, or a pit in your stomach sensation, press the pause button. Take low, deep breaths, one of the first practical skills to work on during conflict. Then, take time to get to a better place by breathing, praying, walking, writing, or talking. The goal is to get to a good place so you can listen to understand (Proverbs 4:7) or speak the truth with love (Ephesians 4:15). When you get to that place, come back together to talk.
Dr. Jennifer Konzen, PsyD, LMFT, CST, CCDC. Dr. Konzen is the director for the Center for Sexuality in San Diego, CA. She is a licensed marriage and family therapist, a certified sex therapist, and a certified chemical dependency counselor. She is also a two-time nationally award-winning researcher, an international speaker, and an adjunct professor in San Diego at Bethel Seminary and Point Loma Nazarene University, and online at Rocky Mountain School of Ministry and Theology. Dr. Konzen is the author of several books, and yes, a Broadway showtunes performer (her undergraduate degree is in Musical Theater and Vocal Performance). She lives in San Diego, California |
