Following are the notes I took in 1999 on Richard Carlson's Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff at Work (New York, NY: Balance,1998). Previous book: Don't Sweat the Small Stuff—also great. These books were good for me (and still are)!
¶1 Stressed-out people are difficult to work with—poor listeners, self-centered, occupied with their own issues. They also tend to be defensive.
¶2 Controlling—inherent lack of respect for the opinions and ways of others. Most people don’t like to be controlled. Creates resentment and adversarial relationships.
¶¶5,39 Telephone—turn off ringers at certain times. Voicemail can be a blessing, saving phone time
¶6 Sharing how busy I am is boring—and only increases my stress level
¶7 Keeping track of sleep / lack of sleep can also increase stress
¶8 Bureaucracy—“Rules and regulations have a place in our society. We have just allowed it to become a little out of control.” “Getting frustrated only makes matters worse. It brings out the worst in bureaucrats and encourages them to turn to the rule book rather than find a real solution.”
¶10 Physical fitness—in the long run, it takes far less time to stay fit than to lose the ability to function well.
¶17 Workplace—can be the perfect environment for practicing spirituality.
¶22 Becoming a better listener lessens interpersonal conflicts and stress.
¶24 Pushy-aggressive (to get my way) tends to backfire or, even if it succeeds, to come back to haunt me!
¶26 Make fewer unsolicited offers: some are not appreciated, others add to stress level.
¶29 Greater responsibility in my position means less freedom, privacy, etc. There is, in terms of stress, a considerable price tag when we receive the promotion we seek.
¶32 Backstabbing tells us more about the needs of the talker to be judgmental than about the object of the criticism.
¶33 Accept that fact that occasionally I’ll have a bad day.
¶35 Many people confuse expectations with standards of excellence. Make room for mistakes, errors, glitches.
¶37 Self-absorbed people see and treat others as instruments to get something they want… relate to others in a hierarchical manner, and easily fall into rudeness and insensitivity.
¶38 Beware the golden handcuffs—the high price of achievement.
¶44 Rapport: “It helps you become a better people person, a better negotiator, and an overall smarter and wiser businessperson. Rapport assists you in bringing our the best in yourself as well as in other people, and prevents others from acting defensively in your presence… Many of us have a tendency to dive in too quickly, push too hard, and ask for what we want from someone before we establish the necessary rapport. In most cases this overzealous or ambitious attempt to get something from someone will backfire… Without rapport, you come across as demanding, condescending, or arrogant.”
¶48 It is possible to shorten conversation while remaining polite, respectful.
¶49 With service personnel / bureaucrats: smile, eye contact, see beyond their role
¶53 Self-centered stress comes from insisting on fighting battles we have virtually no chance of winning—I do this a lot, e.g. in taking positions on various issues. I need to decide what is crucial.
¶55 There will almost always be someone disappointed in / mad at me. Can’t please everyone all the time.
¶56 Having wrong thoughts? Say to myself: “Whoops—there I go again!”
¶57 Make allowance for incompetence. Don’t take it personally. A degree of incompetence is as predictable as an occasional rainy day. Don’t over-describe the incompetence of life. Most people are more or less competent most of the time.
¶58 Don’t be too quick to commit. (Do I have a felt need to be valued?) Create a gentle pause before speaking.
¶61 Correlation between an earlier start to the day and stress reduction.
¶62 Stress interferes with communication, so try not to when feeling stressed.
¶69 Back off when you don’t know what to do. The temptation to get a quick solution is not wise.
¶71 Watch defensiveness! Step back, breathe, relax, and take note of what is being said
¶74 Delegate!
¶75 I can strengthen my presence by concentrating more—not letting the mind wander.
¶76 Learn to say no—just as I would decline the request “Can I have the air you’re breathing?” or “Can I ask you to do something for me that will push you over the edge and make you feel stressed out and resentful?”
¶77 Vacation out of the home
¶83 Marvel at how often things go right!
¶84 Accept the chaos of an imperfect world and “surrender to the way things really are instead of insisting that things be a certain way.”
¶89 Ask, but don’t insist on receiving. “People are often overwhelmed and overcommitted, and therefore unable or unwilling to help… Instead of feeling defeated, try to focus [on the positive]…” “If it’s in the cards, it happens. If not, that’s okay too. The key to success is to keep trying, staying out there, but to detach from the outcome.”
¶91 Stress is reduced when we’re getting more air. Breathe more deeply.
¶92 Less stress when we speak to others with love and respect. (Otherwise, it’s ugly.)
¶93 Learn the meaning of “Don’t go there.”
¶98 Ego puts me in the “preserving mode”—which stifles my genuine interest in other people and makes me stressed.
¶99 “Your plans fall through, error is committed, your computer crashes. It’s all part of life, and it’s not going to change.”
