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Anger is an emotion not often talked about in Christian circles. When it is addressed, it's often quickly and mistakenly judged as wrong or unloving.
Maybe you learned that anger is sinful from your family, church, or an accidental misinterpretation of Scripture.
It's true that anger can become destructive. But Jesus shows us that feeling anger is human and natural. It can be processed and expressed in healthy, helpful, and loving ways so it doesn't become problematic (Mark 3:5; 10:14; John 2:17).
Anger problems contribute to mental health disorders like anxiety, depression, and addiction. They also lead to relational injuries, stress-induced physical illnesses, and spiritual disorientation.
The problems we have with anger largely develop from hiding it under other emotions (and related attitudes and behaviors). Hidden anger contributes to mental health challenges (that can turn into relational health challenges) in the following ways:
- Hidden anger causes fear and anxiety.
Anxiety develops from repressing your emotions. It's common to avoid expressing anger due to fear of rejection or judgment. You might find yourself people-pleasing, keeping your opinion to yourself, or not setting boundaries.
- Hidden anger causes shame.
Hidden anger can also be converted into guilt, shame, or self-hatred. Verbalizing anger at someone (through disagreement, setting boundaries, etc.) risks them getting angry at you. A way to avoid this conflict altogether is to unconsciously direct your anger at yourself for being too sensitive, too needy, not helpful enough, or not responsible enough.
- Hidden anger causes depression.
Denied anger gets internalized in your body and can cause depression. Feeling angry is a natural response to having your boundaries crossed and other hurts or disappointments. It's an energy that wants to express itself and assert what you need. But muzzling the voice of anger saps your energy, rejects your heart, and depresses your personality.
- Hidden anger causes blaming others.
Stuffed anger can build up over time until it explodes like a volcano. It's easy to call reactivity "righteous anger" to self-justify it. You could shift all the blame to someone else to avoid taking ownership of your feelings, words, and actions. When left unresolved, this can cause distance and damage in relationships.
- Hidden anger causes addiction.
Alcoholics, workaholics, overeaters, and other addicts usually have a lot of repressed anger and reactive anger from being abused, feeling empty, or life not turning out as they wanted. If you struggle with any compulsive behavior, there's a good chance it's a way you're numbing your anger.
All of us can learn to deal with anger in apprenticeship to Jesus. Training to become healthy and loving with anger is one of the themes in our book Healthy Feelings, Thriving Faith: Growing Emotionally and Spiritually through the Enneagram. Here are three steps to healthy anger you can take today:
#1 Ask for empathy
When someone listens to you with curiosity and compassion, it helps you put words to your feelings. This includes the feelings of hidden anger you didn't know were buried deep in your soul. Jesus is your Wonderful Counselor, and as his ambassadors, we can care for each other's hurts and wounded emotions by offering empathy (Isaiah 9:6; 2 Corinthians 5:20).
2. Set boundaries
Anger is an energy that's constructive when governed by love. For instance, Jesus teaches us to exert the freedom to say "no" and ask for what we need (Matthew 5:37; 7:7-11).
3. Refuel spiritually
Rabbi Jesus also teaches us to set personal limits on helping others, work, and ministry so that we can "come away" with him to rest in God's loving presence (Mark 6:31). This helps us approach life and relationships with a refreshed and calm soul.
Blessings,
Bill |
