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I did not put two and two together for a long time, but I did notice a few odd things: one, the number of women who were constantly “ill”, especially those in leadership. Those were often “mysterious” illnesses, but they were real. It was a mix of physical and mental health symptoms. Two, the number of people who had rage issues. This was odd in a supposedly Christian environment. Three, the prevalence of anxiety in young people raised in the church, especially in the US. When I was running volunteer programs for young people all over the world, if I received an application from a young woman from the US, 90% of the time, that young applicant struggled with anxiety. Four, the prevalence of eating disorders in young women. Way more than the average in society at large. One of my daughters shared with me that every single one of her friends in her campus ministry (which was very abusive) struggled with that. Five, the spate of suicides among young men in the church (this has been kept under wraps, so very few people are aware). The list goes on.
What I did not realize until recently was the impact of high-control religion on the nervous system. After years of exposure, the harm is undeniable. I came to realize that as I and many others received counseling and therapy. The damage is real. So many are affected by C-PTSD (Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder). It does not happen in one day, although significant events can precipitate the process. It takes years, sometimes decades. And children raised in the church fare the worst, as they were exposed at a young age, when their nervous systems and brains were vulnerable and developing.
When one lives in constant fear and shame, when you are watched and micro-managed 24/7, when others have control over the minutest details of your life, when others can harm you by their whims, when people’s tempers and reactions are unpredictable and manipulative, when you are constantly made to feel worthless and dependent, plus you live in fear of going to hell, over time, it makes you exist in fight or flight mode. Both are harmful.
I mostly lived in fight mode, and that meant I was constantly on alert. I wish I could say I am healed, but that is not the case. As I keep hearing stories of abuse and moral injury, my nervous system wakes up and flares up. If I hear a particular disturbing story, I have a hard time sleeping. And to those who say I am upset because of some things that happened a long time ago, you are misled. What I am hearing did not just happen a long time ago; most of it is happening today! Just this week, I was dealing with a recent situation where a young woman was sexually assaulted by the son of a leader. She and her parents brought it up to leadership, and nothing was done. No accountability. No reporting of course.
And before you say, “why is there no reporting”, it is not that simple. Many survivors talk about the abuse years after it happened, way beyond the statute of limitations. In many countries, reporting to the authorities is also fraught with danger. The authorities may be more abusive than the church. Just a few things to consider. On top of that, not every survivor is in the mental space to be able to report.
Many people live in flight mode. That is also harmful. The recoil, flying under the radar, avoiding conflict at all costs, retreating into one’s shell, self-harm, and sometimes worse. They criticize themselves, have low self-esteem, and figure out a way to survive in a toxic system, so as to avoid further damage.
The long-term effects are very serious and deeply ingrained. And it is not talked about. At least not in the church. It would be admitting we did something wrong. Of course, there are plenty of outside experts. Sadly, the church has historically looked down on external sources as “worldly”. I am no therapist, as I have mentioned many times before, but I am curious, and I love to learn. I now know enough to be able to say there is a mental health crisis as a result of a high-control culture.
It’s in the DNA, and unless we admit that and do a complete overhaul, the damage will continue. If you read this, say “no” to unhealthy control, and please speak up when you encounter abuse. And if you are/were a victim, please speak up and report. I know it is challenging, and you would probably prefer to just find some peace and not deal with the pain. I get that. The problem is that the abuse continues, the perpetrators get away with their crimes and offend again. I talk to so many survivors who do not want to report. As I said, I understand, but at the same time, I wish this was not the case.
Meanwhile, for those of us affected, let us take care of ourselves. I thought I would take a break from therapy, but over the last few weeks, I realized I need to check in with my therapist every couple of weeks. There is so much going on. I also know there is hope. It is absolutely possible to be a follower of Christ and experience freedom and peace, the way it was meant to be. But that is not going to happen in a high-control environment.
And by the way, I am doing fine. And I am not going anywhere. I am incredibly resilient. So I am not about to be quiet.
