Let’s Talk About Adoption, by Nadine Templer

I have always wanted to adopt. I always dreamed of having a big family, and adoption was always on my heart, from the time I was a child. It had nothing to do with religion. I did not grow up religious. As I have stated before, when I started reading the Bible, I found all the things I desired for my life in the scriptures. Adoption was very much a central theme. We are adopted by God, and taking care of orphans is part of what God upholds: “Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.” (James 1: 27) So it reinforced my desire to adopt. I also see a lot of orphaned children in my work, and it tugs at my heart.

Many people adopt. It looks different in various parts of the world. Where I live in South Asia, and in many parts of the world, children are adopted within their own extended family. There is no formal process. In some countries, children are adopted through the foster system. In other places, through orphanages, although that practice is slowly disappearing. Some adoptions are local, some international, some transracial, some not. Sometimes, babies are adopted, other times older kids. So there is a wide spectrum.

Christians often adopt because of their faith. They see it as part of their commitment to help people. Even though that is a noble intention, we have to be cautious. Adoption is not for everyone. There are serious things to consider before taking a child into our home and raising them as our own. I work in the non-profit (NGO) world, and I have seen wonderful stories, as well as horrific ones.

Our family has been blessed through adoption. We have five adult children, including three biological and two adopted from India. Our two adopted daughters are amazing and doing really well. We are very proud of them. We have had just as many challenges with our biological children as we have had with our adopted ones, and we are a very close-knit family. It hasn’t always been easy. There are a few things to consider if you are thinking about adoption:

• What is your motivation? Is it selfless? Or are you trying to be the hero in a child’s life? What happens when the child does not “measure up”? Will they receive the same kind of love?
• Is your heart big enough to love them as much as you would a biological child? That is a hard one, because it takes a lot of work and intentionality. The adopted child will not look like you, will not remind you of you, will not react the way you do, and it will take a higher dose of unconditional love. A higher calling, basically. Sadly, I have known cases of abuse and mistreatment by adoptive parents or siblings, even instances of violence, and yes, in the church and by leaders.
• Adopted children are traumatized. That is the nature of adoption. The whole set of circumstances is messed up, and it sucks. Children are supposed to be with their birth parents. Trauma is at the root of adoption. So, are you ready to deal with the trauma? Do you have the resilience? Have you dealt with your own trauma?
• Do you have the integrity to trust the process? Adopting can take years. I have seen potential parents so intent on adopting that they cut corners and even went the illegal way in order to secure a child. In every single case, this has backfired badly. If you adopt a child and lie on the paperwork, do you not think the child will find out? I know people who faked the birth certificate, claiming to be the biological parents. And yes, these people claimed to be Christians, leaders even. I also know people who tried to get a local couple in a foreign country to adopt a child for them and then “gift” the child, in order to bypass the laws. Yes, in the church.
• There will be hard conversations. Are you willing and prepared? When the child has questions, will you answer them truthfully? Will you be willing to go to therapy and get professional help when needed? Are you willing to be open and honest in your relationship with your child?
• Your feelings will get hurt. At the end of the day, we are not the child’s birth parents, and it will come up. When they are a teenager and they test boundaries, they will think or say, “You are not my real parents!” That stings. Will you react in a Christlike way?
• Will you play favorites? If you have biological children, will the adopted child be treated differently? That is a big no-no if you are going to adopt.
• What impact will the adoption have on the rest of the family? Are siblings prepared? Grandparents?
• Are you prepared for the medical issues? Most likely, there will be some. Many adopted children have medical conditions, and they are not all obvious at the time of adoption.
• What about the cost? Adoption is expensive. International adoptions are very expensive. We spent all of our life savings (no regrets!). An extra child means extra expenses.

Now that I have asked all the above questions, if your answer is yes to them, then go ahead. Adoption is a wonderful thing. A child finds a loving home. But it is a higher calling. I have never been stretched in my discipleship as I have through adoption. My first adopted daughter literally changed my life. I learned patience and compassion in ways I could not have any other way. And I learned about God, about his unconditional love. I am a different person because of adoption. And my daughters have a loving home with loving siblings and a close family. We also had the added advantage of raising them in their own culture, so they were not in the minority. They were surrounded by people who looked like them. Is it an ideal situation? Definitely not. But life is not always fair, and we have to make the best of it.

So, if you are thinking of adopting, please count the cost. Think and pray hard. And if your heart is big enough, you have the resources, and your situation allows it, go for it!