I have a very strong aversion to people that could be diagnosed as sociopathic / psychopathic. Something inside me tells me to avoid such people completely. Their lack of empathy and disrespect for others' effectively reduces them to the level of animals (at least in my mind)—a reptile lacking a soul... I have slightly less aversion to narcissists, whom I still see as human beings, capable of compassion and empathy. My conscience is conflicted! I know we're called to love our neighbors, but my heart is quick to put an asterisk on such people. Any thoughts? — G. S.
Only that you are right to be cautious. You're using the good mind the Lord gave you. You’re aiming to be wise as a serpent (and innocent as a dove). I know that you are a loving person, without a malicious bone in your body. Thanks for your honesty!
We all have different levels of empathy (I wish I had more!). But there are true psychopaths and sociopaths out there. You may recall that I once spent the better part of an hour with a notorious serial killer (shortly before his arrest). Yet in his case, he seemed so normal that before his arrest I would never have guessed the reality.
One of the volumes in my Helpful Books document is Eddy Billy’s 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life: Identifying and Dealing with Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other High-Conflict Personalities (2018). Please let me know if you find the book helpful.
Psychologist Jennifer Konzen also weighs in:
One of the challenges in relationships is trying to make sense of serious wrongs that are done when there are repeated unhealthy or harmful behaviors. The things someone experiences in those relationships can be life-destroying and traumatizing. And there is a need to try to make sense of it. People will sometimes use terms and labels to define what they are seeing. A couple years ago I started noticing the terms toxic, narcissistic, and gaslighting were coming into my office often. It turned out they were some of the most googled terms that year. I work a lot with couples so it’d sound like “I think my spouse is narcissistic” or “my therapist said my spouse is narcissistic”. The problem is that therapists will even use diagnostic labels like Narcissist even though they’ve never met the person let alone done an assessment. The actual diagnosis is Narcissistic Personality Disorder and terms like these become popular (“he’s so bipolar” “I’m so OCD”). This happens in physical families and in churches as well. “I think s/he (that leader/person/member/mom/dad) is a narcissist.” We do the same thing with the term psychopath or sociopath.
As a therapist, I regularly get asked similar questions as your reader asked. And I usually try to understand all they are experiencing in that relationship. It’s usually painful and heart-rending. And when appropriate, I do some education about those diagnoses and the issue with using what I call blanket statements. I help them to use more descriptive language (“it’s so painful the lack of empathy” or “when we talk, s/he makes derogatory comments and shuts me down” or “s/he responds with such arrogant words”). There are currently a lot of books and podcasts popularizing the idea of narcissism. In general I find it more helpful for people to step away from diagnostic labels that may need more training to use accurately and step more into the pain of their experience. I have found that to be more healing.
Jennifer Konzen, PsyD, LMFT, CST, CCDC
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, #MFT51241
