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On March 27, 1965, The Supremes' "Stop! In the Name of Love" became their fourth single to reach number one on the Billboard Hot 100 chart. Here are the opening lines of the song:
Stop! In the name of love
Before you break my heart
Baby, baby
I'm aware of where you go
Each time you leave my door
I watch you walk down the street
Knowing your other love you'll meet
The lyrics tell the story of a woman pleading with her unfaithful lover, whose actions are breaking her heart. It is unlikely that our readers are experiencing dysfunction as extreme as this with their loved ones. Yet, it is common to experience more subtle forms of dysfunction in our relationships.
This week, I am asking, “Are there ways I cause pain to those I love when I am triggered or react instead of respond mindfully?” These days, the importance of stopping in the name of love” is resonating with me deeply. Our love for others can be easily corrupted by “selfish ambition or vain conceit.” It requires intentionality to respond in humility and value others above oneself, to set aside one's interests for the sake of others. (Philippians 2:3-4)
Below are a few verses that challenge me to stop, listen, and consider before reacting.
My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. James 1:19-20
To answer before listening—that is folly and shame. Proverbs 18:13
Fools find no pleasure in understanding
but delight in airing their own opinions. Proverbs 18:2
A gentle answer turns away wrath,
but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1
The one who has knowledge uses words with restraint,
and whoever has understanding is even-tempered. Proverbs 17:27
Last week, my wife and I attended a family counseling session with another family member. In that session, I became aware of the pain a family member had been holding on to. Regardless of my intention to provide a safe space for dialogue, it was not perceived as such. It would be difficult to quantify the number of books I’ve read, advice I’ve sought, or the hours of counseling I've participated in, seeking to better myself in pursuit of healthier relationships. And yet, I am reminded of how Mr. Han (Jackie Chan) challenged Dre Parker (Jaden Smith) in the 2010 remake of The Karate Kid - “Your focus needs more focus!"
Safe and healthy relationships require intentionality. Shalom, that is, peace, wholeness, completeness, and well-being, does not come instinctively. It is too easy to offer rationalizations, explanations, and defensive responses. Too often and too quickly, we debate who is right or wrong, who has been wronged, or what we think are the answers. Moreover, when we lack the tools to validate (validate does not mean agree) and empathetically listen. Consequently, we leave our friends and loved ones feeling marginalized and dismissed. Being quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to react does not come naturally – they are skills that require development through practice and repetition.
This past week, our family counselor gave us a sheet titled “STOP.” Each letter of the title provides an acronym that can help us slow down and develop crucial skills for healthier relationships with our spouses, families, friends, and within the body of Christ. The “STOP” skill helps us to respond instead of immediately reacting. It teaches us to stop, take a step back, observe, and proceed mindfully.
Stop
When you sense triggers or heightened emotions, stop and take a moment to pause. Try visualizing a red stop sign in front of you. Learn not to react when your emotions are intensified and filled with energy. Freeze in your tracks, stay in control, and do not let your emotions control you. Remember, emotions are God given, but we should be mindful not to be mastered by them. Try naming what you feel – am I happy, sad, fearful, angry, frustrated, threatened, disgusted, surprised, etc.
Take a step back
You can do this in your mind or take a physical step back as a reminder to unglue yourself from a difficult situation and from the urge to react. Once you have done so, notice your breathing and what is happening to you physically. What do you feel in your head, chest, or stomach? Take your time to see what is happening to you and consider how to respond.
Observe
If there are other people involved, take note of what they’re doing and saying. Notice what you are thinking and feeling about the situation? Think about the bigger picture. To make better and healthier choices, it is valuable not to assume or jump to conclusions. By seeking to understand both yourself and those around you, you'll be better equipped to identify and choose healthier paths forward.
Proceed Mindfully
Before reacting, pause and consider: "What outcome do I desire?" "What choices and responses will lead me to more successful outcomes?" It is essential to stay calm and grounded. Give yourself time to gather information and to be curious. Consider your thoughts and feelings, as well as the thoughts and feelings of the other people involved. This will help you to navigate the situation more effectively. Remember, your brain needs time and space to think. Ask your “wise mind” what to do.
I will end this essay with Paul’s words that challenge me to “Stop in the name of love,” to be curious, and to seek to understand before being understood.
Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. Philippians 2:1-4 NIV.
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John Teal has been a member of Stone-Campbell Movement congregations for more than forty years - having experience in three of the major streams. He attended Great Lakes Christian College in Lansing, MI, and graduated from Central Christian College of the Bible with a BS in Biblical Studies. John is a founding Board Member of Common Grounds Unity (CGU). He served in the vocational ministry for a few years before returning to the corporate world where he enjoyed a long career in the waste and recycling industry. He and his wife Danna live near Raleigh, NC. They have two adult daughters. John is now enjoying a post-corporate career as a REALTOR which allows him the flexibility to serve the mission of CGU.
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